I loathe that talking about money is still seen as gauche. The fact that this practice is systemically oppressive notwithstanding, it’s also just lame as hell that we can’t be honest with the people in our lives about how we’re making things work. That’s where shame and comparison creep in — especially with regard to people reaching big financial landmarks.

Weddings are just one of these Instagram milestones that make you stop and wonder: wait, how much money are they making, and just how much help do they have from their parents?

The uncomfortable truth is that a lot of people are either getting significant help from their families or going into debt to pay for their weddings (or maybe both!). Sure, plenty of couples can pay for their weddings out of pocket, but by and large (at least on the east coast of the US), there’s some outside cash being thrown around.

And guess what! That’s okay. Just like the West Village girlies are paying rent on their parents’ Amex, all’s fair in love and war — I just wish there was more transparency.

As a result, it’s really difficult to set reasonable expectations for what your wedding will look like. I’m not usually one to bemoan the evils of social media, but Pinterest and Instagram and TikTok will really rot your brain while planning a wedding — even if you’re careful not to get too into the weeds. When it seems like everyone has the coin to splurge on custom invitation suites and lavish wedding party gifts, you start to wonder why you, too, can’t have those things.

There’s that to contend with, and there’s also the expectations (and opinions) of modern wedding guests. People expect photo booths, elaborate cocktail hour spreads, shuttles, a seamless flow of events, over-the-top florals, fancy drinks, after parties — you name it. It’s become so commonplace to go overboard with weddings that when that isn’t the case, people can be… judgy. I’ve been to weddings on both ends of the budget spectrum, and I hate to tell ya that the money you throw down does not directly correlate to a good time had by all.

The common refrain I kept repeating to other people throughout this process was: You can elope, or you can spend a minimum of $50,000 — there’s not much in between. I maintain that this is the case. The only middle ground I can think of is a city hall wedding with a (very) small dinner afterward, and even then, I’ve looked into pricing at NYC restaurants — it’s still pretty shocking.

And something I want to make clear: We were stressed about money the entire time we were planning this wedding. I don’t care how desensitized as a society we’ve become to the cost of things, this shit is a lot of money, and we were worried at multiple junctures that we might not be able to pull it off. While we certainly could be better budgeters, I chalk a lot of that up to a complete lack of transparency in the wedding industry and with each other, because we truly had no idea what we were in for.

And with that, I give you: The full breakdown of all the wedding costs, in hopes that it will soothe your pre-wedding worries, assure you that you’re not in it alone, and ideally, provide some sort of baseline budget for you to orient yourself.

The Party Itself

Venue Rental: $12,500

I have thoughts and opinions about how the price of the venue was structured, but to rent the entire property out (nothing additional) from Friday to Sunday, it was $12,500. That’s not including the $5,000 for up to 18 people to stay on property for two nights (which was split amongst everyone staying), $1,000 an hour for additional events on the grounds (like the rehearsal dinner), and a $5,000 refundable security deposit. The price varies by guest count, time of year, and other factors, but they’ve also ramped their prices up significantly since we booked two years ago.

Catering: $23,593

We had 104 people at our wedding (including us) and the starting price per head for the catering company we used (shoutout Nicole’s) was $120. The final price included lunch for the wedding party the day of the wedding, passed apps and a grazing station at cocktail hour, family style dinner, dessert, tea and coffee, cannolis on the dance floor, a water and lemonade station for the ceremony, water glasses, utensils, napkins, linens, serveware, a bridal attendant, and likely some other things I’m forgetting. Every catering company is different, but we went with Nicole’s because they had reasonable prices (some other quotes we got were shocking), included tableware, and were super flexible with making a custom menu.

Alcohol: $6,612

I could be wrong about the final price on alcohol here, because the venue sent us so many different and incorrect invoices (lol) but the package we chose was $40pp for premium liquor (Tito’s, Bulleit, Espolon, etc.) two signature drinks, beer and wine. They added 18% gratuity, a “technology fee” (?), an extra hour of reception bar, plus beer and wine for the after party, and somehow we arrived at that hulking final number.

String Trio: $3,625

For a violinist, cellist, and guitarist to play at the ceremony and cocktail hour (plus mics for the officiant and groom), my in-laws so kindly offered to pay a total of $3,625. I’m biased toward live music, but I would certainly say this was worth it.

DJ: $1,700

We would have loved to hire a band, but since they run at around $10K and up (at least that’s that I was finding when I looked around), we knew pretty early on that we’d have to settle for a DJ. A lot of DJs also have add-on packages for open-air photo booths, additional lighting, and silly things like fog for the dance floor, but we skipped all of those.

Rentals: $3,812

Hey, let me tell you something: It’s certainly doable to book an a la carte venue where you have to bring a bunch of rentals in, but if you’re not organized or don’t want added stress — opt for a venue that’s all-inclusive. Our venue, for example, only supplied chairs and tables for the reception, so we had to rent chairs for the ceremony (which we didn’t end up using due to the rain), cocktail tables and linens, glassware for the bar (that was a $1,600 doozy), and all the supplies the caterer needed to make dinner like: a cook tent, propane, lights, and a convection oven.

DIY Florals: ~$1,400

According to The Knot, couples in the Mid-Atlantic region spend an average of $3,457 on flowers, so I’d say we made out like bandits on this one. That’s purely the cost of flowers (not including vases, chicken wire, floral tape, and ribbon, which were an additional $200+ altogether), and most were purchased wholesale in the flower district of Manhattan. Oh, and labor was free because I roped my mom, aunt, and mother-in-law into helping me :).

Month-of Coordination: $1,800

We decided to go with the coordinator who works with the venue, and she largely took over contracts and communications with vendors in the weeks leading up to the wedding and handled the run of show for the day. They’ve since raised their prices (shocker), so we were lucky we hired her when we did, I suppose!

Cake: #Gifted

Celeste won’t tell me how much she spent practicing and executing our wedding cake, but I have a strong feeling she spent too much. If you want to get an approximate number, you’ll just have to ask her!

Photographer: $4,120

The photographer we chose shot film the entire wedding and hired an assistant to shoot digital alongside her for an additional fee, but in total, this was a very fair price compared to some of the outlandish quotes I’ve seen.

Shuttle: $1,035

Our venue newly requires renting a shuttle to get guests from their lodging to the venue and back, but when we signed they didn’t require it. That said, a shuttle to and from the hotel block is pretty standard these days, and there aren’t a ton of Ubers or taxis in New Lebanon, NY, so we rented a school bus. The bus cost $100 per hour plus 15% gratuity, and it made three trips over the course of nine hours.

All The Little Bits

Invites and Save the Dates: $692

Okay, I DIYed most parts of the save the dates and invites, so this is probably a smaller number than a lot of people spend on bespoke invitation suites, but still a good chunk of change. Here’s how it broke down for save the dates: envelopes from Amazon were $30, white gel pens were $10, matchbooks from For Your Party were $129, prints of the design I made in Canva were $65, and stamps from Forever Stamps were $39. For invitations: formal invites from Papier were $158, envelopes and liner paper from Paper Source were $162, paper clips were $8, ticket stickers designed on Canva and printed at home were $16, paper for the details and map inserts was $20, and stamps from USPS were $55.

Lodging: $555

Up to 18 people could stay on property for two nights for $5,000, which we split between those staying there, so for just Jeffery and I, we paid $555 for lodging that weekend.

Wedding Attire: $7,867

Honestly, for both of us to be dressed head to toe for the wedding and rehearsal dinner? Not that bad. This is relative, of course, because we have increasingly expensive taste in clothing, but considering that my max budget for a dress was $5,000, we did a pretty good job here? Idk, it’s sounding more out of touch the more I type.

Here’s how that broke down for me: My dress from Designer Loft Bridal was $2,600 with $750 in alterations, second dress from & Other Stories was $72, veil was $53 (my mom and I made it!), earrings from Revolve were $98, first pair of shoes (Dior from the RealReal) were $354, second pair (Sam Edelman from Poshmark) were $51, rehearsal dress from & Other Stories was $184, and rehearsal shoes I already owned — phew.

As for Jeffery: his suit and shirt from Todd Snyder was $2,770, shoes (Gucci from Vestiaire Collective) were $240, tie clip (YSL from the RealReal) was $96, tie from a local vintage store was $30, socks from Boardroom Socks were $17, rehearsal shirt from H&M was $30, pants from Spier and Mackay were $148 plus $20 for tailoring, and loafers (Gucci from the RealReal) were $354.

Rings: $963 

Our rings, both 14K gold, were a combined total of $963 from the jeweler who made my engagement ring.

Decor: $1,669

For something that was so important to me in the grand scheme of all things wedding, this was a more modest total than I was expecting. Granted, there are a bunch of supplies that I already owned that didn’t need to be factored in, but here’s how that broke down: votives and battery-operated tea lights were $130 and $170, fabric for the table runners (which my mom made) was about $200, the seating chart (including frames, fabric, wood, paint, etc.) was about $153, various signage was about $49, matchbook favors were $120, fabric for the altar was $103, ribbons were $27, table vases were $196, cocktail napkins were $294, and place cards were $227 (should have been $177 but I made a mistake and had to reorder some).

Vendor Tips: $2,250

Per tipping guidance from the coordinator, we tipped the photographers $400 total, the DJ $150, catering staff $1,500 (10-15% of food costs), and coordinator $200 (10-15% of total fee).

After Party Food & Such: ~$870

We ordered eight boxes of Jersey Mike’s subs at $90 a box (with the assumption that all the people who RSVPed to the after party were coming… they did not all come, lol), and my mom bought boxes of chips at Costco. We also had to buy disposable plates, cups, and napkins, which were an additional $70 or so.

Other: $1,606

Various other nonessential (but nonnegotiables for us, I guess?) items were pajamas for the bridal party, moms, aunt, and my brother’s girlfriend ($762), engraved bracelets as groomsmen gifts ($550), ties for the groomsmen ($140), paper parasols we never used ($70), and paper fans for guests ($84).

Everything Else I Can’t Be Bothered to Tally

God, there’s so many other things I know I’m forgetting or no longer have the energy to look up the receipts on, and ain’t that life?? That’s partly because some of these were a group effort, some were collected over time, and some were thankfully delegated to (and paid for by!) our families. Off the dome, the things I know I haven’t factored in to the whopping final number include: the plates everyone collected over the course of two years (if I had to guess I’d price them at $5 a pop), all the silver vessels I collected for additional floral arrangements, two rounds of breakfast for the wedding party (Panera catering from my Aunt Maura one day, bagels from us the next), thrifted frames and baskets, fabric for handkerchiefs, vintage stamps my aunt gave me, welcome bags for hotel guests (thank you, Traci!), cutouts of Oswald, and last-minute umbrellas.

There were also the four major pre-wedding events that were either completely paid for or generously subsidized by our loved ones. My parents handled my bridal shower, Jeffery’s parents planned and paid for the rehearsal dinner, my girlies absorbed multiple costs for the bachelorette, and the same goes for Jeffery’s bachelor party.

The Final Numbers

The entire wedding — soup to nuts — cost… $76,669. YIKES.

Graciously, wonderfully, mercifully, our families contributed about $34,635 (not including lots of one-offs and gifts).

And if you’re curious (I would be), we were given a total of $21,840 in wedding gifts. And for that, we’re eternally grateful and can once again sleep at night without the texts from our banks and credit card companies being like, “uh, are you sure?”

So, if you’re keeping track, if we subtract family contributions from the total, Jeffery and I spent the heinous amount of $42,034 on the wedding. But if you further subtract cash gifts, that’s actually $20,194. So… better?

Without this newsletter, I probably wouldn’t have gotten this granular or calculated a complete total, but I’m glad I did. While they might seem like scary numbers, I actually feel better about how everything stacked up, and I really truly hope it helps at least one person with their own wedding.

One more wedding issue when the photos come back, and after that, it’s back to regularly scheduled programming. Love y’all!