I’m 30! I feel nothing <3. Well, that’s not true—I feel bathed in the glow of love and friendship, just like I knew I would when I asked them to roast me. Some highlights from the roast include:

My parents were worried that I was opening myself up to criticism I couldn’t handle, but it went swimmingly, and my throat hurt the next morning from all the cackling I did. TY to all my roasters (including Jeffery, Kaileigh, Kaila, and Louis, too), I love you so!

On My Brain

With Love, Meghan is… A Tough Watch

Sigh. I’ve been back and forth on the Duchess of Sussex for years now. I really felt for her in the Harry & Meghan series on Netflix—the royal family truly seems like a hellscape for an American WOC to marry into, and I don’t doubt that everything she endured at the hands of the British press was abominable. People are also committed to misunderstanding them, and seem to be unable to grasp that their pleas for the paparazzi to stop harassing them doesn’t equate to living like hermits—they’re allowed to still be public facing individuals, and they’re allowed to make money. The comment section on any post about her is truly a chilling place to be—the way grown adults say the most heinous shit about a woman they’ve never met is disheartening to say the least.

But many things can be true at once, and while I really want to like Meghan, this show is pure drivel. It’s trying so hard to be earnest but lighthearted, aspirational but relatable, and unforch, it falls completely flat as a result. The setup for the show itself is nonsensical—Meghan and the crew break the fourth wall repeatedly to inform us that they’re not, in fact, at her home, but at a rental near where she lives. But they’re playing pretend as if this is her garden where she comes outside to pick berries every day? And these are her bees she harvests honey from but needs a professional beekeeper to help her every time? And she’s a seasoned home cook, but doesn’t seem to have any knife skills or original recipes?

There’s also just… nothing to take away from this in terms of real tips. The first episode sees Meghan decanting Trader Joe’s peanut butter pretzels into little plastic bags for her “dear friend” Daniel who she seems to know nothing about. Then she makes a very famous one-pot pasta dish by Martha Stewart with no reference at all to Martha, passing it off as her own because she… added some kale? It’s truly baffling stuff. The only discernible reason I can think of for this show to exist is to warm people up to her upcoming lifestyle brand that will include the fruit preserves and “flower sprinkles” featured on the show.

The thing is, I don’t want entertaining and hosting content from Meghan Markle (or Meghan Sussex as she corrects Mindy Kaling in possibly the most cringe clip that’s come out of the show so far). She lives a completely different life than the people she’s trying to reach, and it feels entirely Paltrow-ian to pretend that this is all somehow relatable to us plebs. I will watch the episode with Roy Choi, though (and probably the whole thing, tbh), because I adore him. Anyway, some things I would be much more interested in from her: outfits of the day, an ASMR audiobook (her voice is quite soothing), a tour of her jewelry, what she thinks of Drake, every last gory detail from planning her wedding, or her skincare routine. More of that, and less of the highly produced, trite lifestyle content pls :/.

In My Cart

Here’s the rundown of the gifts my best girls gave me for my bday, because they know me so well :’).

A Little Opinel Pocketknife with My Initials

A Very Chic Lip Balm Compact from Paris

One Voucher for a Pet Psychic Appt

Extremely Fancy Dior & Tiffany China

A Splatterware Tray I’ve Been Wanting Forever

In My Belly

We Tried Crumbl Cookies for the First Time

They’re fine, they’re good! I’m a Chip City girl through and through (I do prefer them over Levain, sue me), so I’ve never really had an urge to branch out into other TikTok famous cookie places—but a brandy new Crumbl just opened down the block from us. My god, are the teens feral for these things. The night we went, the line was only about 10 minutes long, but the teens were screeching and whooping inside the store so badly that two separate adults actually told them to shut up, lol. The next day I walked by (presumably around the time school lets out) and they were wrapped around the block waiting to get in. Ozzie and I gave them a wide berth, naturally, because teens scare me.

And sure, the bubblegum pink box is very photogenic, and the flavors are rotated each week so there’s always something new, but was I blown away? No. The best one in the box we got was the butter cake, but that wasn’t even a cookie. It was a delightfully buttery little cake that had a not-too-sweet vanilla bean whipped cream on top, and I really enjoyed it. But the three cookies we got (chocolate chip, banana bread, strawberry cupcake) were lackluster compared to ye olde Chip City, imo. We will certainly go back and try more flavors (we are, after all, always in the market for a sweet treat), but for now, the verdict is: fine.

You Ask, I Answer

Q: “Your birthday roast dinner looked to die for, can you drop the recipe?”

A: Duh! Here’s what I (with the help of Celeste, ofc) made:

A 5lb ribeye roast (Google tells me this is basically a prime rib sans bones), which I seasoned with salt, pepper, and rosemary and let it come to room temp for an hour and a half before roasting at 500 for 15 mins, then an hour and a half ish at 325. Unforch, it was a little overdone because it cooked quicker than I expected, so next time I will do a lower oven temp and more beef temp-checking, and ideally let it rest right before serving. We had to toss it back in to warm up and I think that’s where it mostly went wrong.

A rotisserie chicken from Costco—no one does it better than Costco. Even reheated, it was a succulent little bird.

Roasted green beans and carrots—I roasted these the day before with salt, pepper, garlic powder, onion powder, and avocado oil on 425, then reheated them on the stove actually because we ran out of oven space.

Beef tallow roasted potatoes that ended up being everyone’s favorite. I par boiled them with lots of salt until they were super fork tender, then drained and shook them around in the pot which I’ve seen people do to get a crispy, craggly outside (and it worked!). I seasoned them with more salt, pepper, garlic powder, and rosemary, then roasted them at 425 for what felt like an eternity with beef tallow and avocado oil until they crisped up. The next day, they went back in the oven at 450 with the Yorkshire puddings with another drizzle of avocado oil, and while they didn’t crisp back up as much as I’d like, they were really good.

Yorkshire puddings! Celeste followed this recipe from J. Kenji Lopez-Alt, and they were delightful. Next time I think I’d go 50/50 with beef tallow and butter to cut back on the… beefsome taste, but they were sor good.

Lastly, beef gravy with pan drippings, shallots, beef stock, and cornstarch to thicken, and horseradish cream sauce with crème fraîche, chives, horseradish, a teeny splash of milk, salt, pepper, and lemon juice.

Need a gift suggestion for your mother-in-law’s birthday? Stuck on how to rearrange the furniture in your living room? Want to know what to do with a jar of marinated artichokes? Come to mama. Hit me up with your questions, and I'll answer them in an upcoming letter.