Hey all you cool cats and kittens—missed you. After a week’s break I’m ready to ramble on to you all about what’s top of mind. I’m going to give you two weeks’ worth of updates in a little bullet list here, just for fun:

• There was black mold behind the washing machine in our bathroom, so the shortness of breath, throat irritation, and sniffly bulldog makes sense now. I wrote a Karen-flavored email to building management and I’m pleased to report that they took me seriously and got right on it!

• I walked the Brooklyn Bridge with some friends in disgusting weather (the kind of rainy mist that makes you shiver and sweat at the same time) and the views were still worth it. If you live near NY and haven’t done this, you must. I like to start from the BK side, personally! We went to the Time Out Market and poked around Dumbo, then walked over and to Chinatown for dim sum dinner.

• Oh, I also ate some snacks with friends in Sheep’s Meadow in Central Park! It’s been so long since I just… sat on the ground in Central Park, and it was much more enjoyable than I even thought it would be.

• We went to the laundromat and washed our living room and bedroom Ruggable rugs, because Ozzie decided to defile them both in one week. We got burgers and went to Old Navy while they washed and dried, though, so all’s well that ends well.

• I ate a wedge salad, French onion soup, and french fries at Knickerbocker Bar & Grill and had two old fashioneds. Literally the perfect meal, IMO.

Oh and please please please mark this as not spam if it comes through as spam :/. So few of you actually received/opened the last newsletter and I still don’t know why!

On My Brain

Breaking Up With Blonde Hair is a Little Bit of a Mind Fuck

I got a haircut (wee!) and also got a tinted “gloss,” which makes your hair look shinier, and in my case, evened out whatever funkiness was leftover on the ends of my hair, finally darkening all my leftover highlights. So I’m like, kind of a brunette now? It’s an odd feeling, because for 10ish years I’d cringe every time someone said “oh your hair’s so dark” (code for: bitch, get to the salon and get your roots done), but now I smile and say “omg, I know!”

Last year I was bemoaning not having $500 to drop on getting my hair done but needing a haircut, and my friend Celeste was like, uh… you can just get a haircut? I’d been so accustomed to 4-5 hour salon days, insane prices, and always getting cut and color that this notion basically broke my brain. Of course I could just get a haircut, and I actually liked the way my hair looked with less blonde? From there I made a passive decision to hold off on bleaching my hair for a while and let it really heal from all the trauma I’d put it through, but slowly I started to like the dark, dirty blonde/ashy brown better than the blonde I’d been so attached to for so long. It makes sense, of course, that my natural hair color suits my skin tone and features, but it will probably still take a few years to really adjust to having darker hair. And who knows, I might throw some highlights in come spring—just have to decide if that’s before or after the wedding l o l.

Do We Really Need to Pick Apples by the Bucket Full?

No, I don’t think we do. I like apples as much as the next gal, but I don’t think I’ve actually, truly picked apples from the trees and carted a bucket of them out since I was a child. A lot of these orchards have minimums on how many pounds of apples you purchase, or they charge admission into the actual orchard (lame), and I don’t find it to be worth it. If I was someone who went crazy for apple butter or apple pie, sure, it might be worth it, but what’s likely to happen is I’ll let half the apples go bad and spend days feeling really, horribly guilty and bad about myself. And why would I do that? The only way I can see it being worth it is with kids, and I don’t have those!

When I go to an apple orchard/farm, what I really want to do is put on a cute outfit, get an apple cider donut, drink a cider slushie, and maybe buy a weird little gourd. And now that we have Ozzie, I really just enjoy watching him sniff around the pumpkin patch or taking videos of him cronching on fallen apples in the orchard. This past weekend, we drove about an hour to Ort Farms, which was pretty all inclusive as far as festive fall activities go. The weather was gorgeous, the lemonade was plentiful, but the screeching children really sent us both in fight or flight, leading us unanimously in the direction of flight. Once we waited on line for a cheesesteak and lemonade for 30 minutes we were just about overstimulated enough to leave, so we got our donuts and hightailed it out of there. I got a handful of apples at the farmer’s market instead, and I’m planning to make some apple puff pastries this week.

In My Cart

A Jar of Dan Dan Sauce for On Demand Dan Dan Noodles

Everybody knows you need to order dan dan noodles for the table! It’s like a side of pancakes or French toast at brunch, you need to order dan dan noodles, wontons in chili oil, and scallion pancakes for the table at a Sichuan restaurant. I’ve never thought to make dan dan noodles at home, though, until I saw Molly Baz post about this jar of dan dan sauce and how good it was. It’s hanging out in my cart right now until I eventually decide that I do, in fact, need to add another condiment to my overflowing cabinet.

I Hunted This T-Shirt Down for Weeks and Finally Found It

I am horribly, petulantly jealous of everyone who’s gotten to see Dead & Co. at the Sphere in Las Vegas, and while I’m sure they’ll add some more dates down the line and maybe even start up some sort of residency, we’re trying to save for a wedding and therefore a spontaneous weekend in Vegas isn’t super in the cards this coming year (but who knows!).

Anyway, on my way back from a bachelorette in Dallas, I saw a bunch of other doobie-doobie pothead stoners who were on connecting flights back to NY from Vegas, all decked out in Dead & Co. merch, presumably because they knew I’d be there and how it would twist a knife in my jealous little heart. One dude on the plane, in particular, was wearing a Bob Weir / John Mayer shirt so good that I’ve been searching high and low for weeks (more like months) to try and get my hands on it. Somehow, this week, thanks to a new posting or just the correct string of search terms, I FOUND IT (on Poshmark and ebay), and I ordered an XL for Jeffery and I to share. Huzzah! What a long, strange trip it’s been, etc.

In My Belly

The Best Apple Cider Donut I’ve Had in a Long Time… Is from Whole Foods

I know, I know! It seems like utter blasphemy. I’ve had apple cider donuts from lots of places, and probably four different ones so far this season (I take this very seriously). Amid all the commotion, we didn’t end up grabbing a bag at the farm we went to over the weekend, but we were both craving some more donuts. I do not like the powdered sugar or plain apple cider donuts—they must be coated in a generous layer of granulated sugar and cinnamon. What do you know, Whole Foods had this exact kind on sale (BOGO free) this week, so we got a pack and immediately regretted not adhering to the sale and getting two. They’re delightfully apple cider forward (usually you can’t even taste the apple cider much??), moist, and tender. 15 seconds in the microwave and I’m a happy little camper.

Unforch the Stupidly Titled “Marry Me Chicken” Slaps

I feel like a complete loser saying the name of this recipe out loud, and I actually put off making this for like, two weeks, because I was so turned off by the name. I had seen it awhile ago on TikTok like lots of people, but when I got free access to NYT Cooking with my employee subscription (cha-chinnnggg), I saw that it was one of their highest-rated recipes. And yeah, it’s really good! I added more garlic (duh), a minced shallot, some Calabrian chilies, spinach to make it a full meal, and served it with pasta. Rave reviews all around!

You Ask, Maura Answers

Hello!!!! We have a guest on the pod (newsletter) today and I’m soooo pleased to bring you her expertise. I received the below question and felt wholly unqualified to answer, but I knew just the person who could. Maura, my little sweet, distills legislative goings on by day and reads more than I’ve ever seen a person read by night, so she’s well-positioned to field this query. She also had a book-stagram going for a while, but who can keep up with two Instagram accounts? Not me, and not her. Anyway, let’s dive in:

Q: “Help! I read a book series so good I don't know if I'll ever feel the same way about literature again. (I'm in a reading slump). Have any book recs that altered your brain chemistry? Bonus points if they're part of a series and/or have great world building.”

A: Really tall order here in terms of altering your brain chemistry! I always gravitate toward fantasy novels when I'm looking to get totally immersed in something/escape from the mundanities of corporate life, and I'm 70% of the way through The Priory of the Orange Tree, a high fantasy featuring dragons that's also a slow-burn lesbian romance. I'm loving it, and there's also a prequel to dig into once I'm finished. Other fantasy novels that caused me to abandon my plans and/or miss my subway stop to keep reading include The Ministry of Time (spy novel, romance, time travel!), The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue (immortal girlie has adventures), Legendborn (King Arthur but it's college?), and Iron Widow (robot dragons, polyamory, and feminism).

If you aren't a fantasy girlie, I had brain blasts in the last few months while reading The Wedding People (woman crashes wedding by mistake, rather darkly!), Housemates (queer artists take a road trip!), Real Americans (literary fiction about generational trauma, with a sprinkling of magical realism), and One-Star Romance (enemies whose best friends are married to lovers told over a long period of time, for fans of When Harry Met Sally imo). Happy reading!

Need a gift suggestion for your mother-in-law’s birthday? Stuck on how to rearrange the furniture in your living room? Want to know what to do with a jar of marinated artichokes? Come to mama. Hit me up with your questions, and I'll answer them in an upcoming letter.